Me: This evening on the D.S. Show we're going to interview some people I've been meeting in my daily searches for food. They might look like losers, but you'd be surprised what you can learn from them if you talk to them for a few minutes. We're going to start with a ten year veteran of street life. Let's have a nice round of applause for Bill Shmill, ladies and gentlemen!
(Audience cheers. Enter Shmill, wearing a potato sack. I stand up to shake his hand before we both take our seats.)
Me: So, ten years, eh?
Shmill: Yup.
Me: How are you holding out?
Shmill: Surviving.
Me: But you weren't always unemployed, were you?
Shmill: No, I used to work in a factory.
Me: What did you do there?
Shmill: I put explosive charges into bombs.
Me: Well, you must have a very steady hand for that kind of work.
Shmill: Yes, I was good at it.
Me: So why aren't you still there?
Shmill: Search me. I was minding my own business in the lunchroom, reading a copy of the Anarchist Cookbook that a friend gave me, when the security swarmed me and dragged me off the property. It was around September, I think. I haven't been able to get a job in my field ever since.
Me: That's too bad. But you know, life goes on. I mean, what have you done ever since? All you've done is to take. You have to give to get.
Shmill: What about that sandwich I gave you yesterday?
Me: Oh yeah. Anyway, that's all the time we have for this guest, but stay tuned and we'll be right back after the break.
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Neighbour: What are you doing, Steve?
Steve: Oh, I just don't want Allan's newspaper to get all wet from the rain out here. I'll just pop it through his window. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
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Me: We're back and it's time to bring out our next guest. He's been struggling on the streets ever since he lost his job in a booth, giving out tourist information. Let's hear it for Happy Hazzard, everyone!
(Applause. Enter Hazzard. I try to shake his hand but he won't let me.)
Me: Thanks for being on the show. (Silence.) So, Hap ... may I call you Hap?
Hazzard: No.
Me: Oh, well, Mister Hazzard, how did you lose your job in the hospitality trade?
Hazzard: WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT, DAVE? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD OR SOMETHING? FUCK, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!
Me: But, I just wanted the people out there to have some background -
Hazzard: FUCK EM! THEY'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS! YOU'D HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TO EXPLAIN THE SIMPLEST THING TO THEM!
Me: All right then. Never mind them. But I want to know why people like you think you can just keep on taking in this life and never give anything back.
Hazzard: WHAT ABOUT THAT SHIRT I GAVE YOU FROM THE CLOTHING DONATIONS, YOU PRICK?
Me: Oh yeah.
(Commercial.)
Me: And now for our final guest. She's been on the streets for six years and still hasn't found a job or a home. Give it up one more time for Tara!
(Enter Tara. She saunters over to the chair. I get up to give her a hug then we take our seats.)
Me: Now, Tara, you used to work in a pharmacy. Am I right? ... Tara? ... TARA!
Tara: (waking up) What?
Me: I said that you used to work in a pharmacy.
Tara: And?
Me: Well did you?
Tara: Did I what?
Me: Did you work in a pharmacy?
Tara: Oh yeah, but that was a long time ago. (She starts to nod off again.)
Me: Well, you should try to find another job. I mean, people like you think you can just take and take and never give anything back ... Tara? ... TARA! ...
(The camera zooms in on Tara's face as she tries to focus. It then switches for a moment to 'Tara-vision'. I'm still calling out her name but my voice sounds like it is playing on a slowed down recording. The set is more brightly coloured and the background rotates slowly behind my head, which has been rendered into a cartoon resembling Dagwood Bumstead.)
Tara: Wha-?
Me: I said that people like you think you can just keep taking and never give anything back.
Tara: What about that pack of smokes I gave you?
Me: I don't remember that.
Tara: That's because it was when we were -
Me: And that's all the time we have for guest portion of our show tonight! Let's drown out Tara with another large round of applause everybody! (Loud applause covers over Tara's talking.) And after this word from our sponsors, I'll be ready with my guitar to give you a hopefully more meaningful performance of one of my favourite of my songs, Friendly. See ya in two minutes.
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