Me: Tonight's show is about the horrors of war and some of its content may be too graphic for some family viewers. That said, he's a happily married father of four and grandfather of eleven whose eyewitness accounts have made the pages of history textbooks from here all the way to the countries we fought in - Colonel Earl Ogilvy!
(Applause. Greetings.)
Me: You were vastly outnumbered.
Ogilvy: Yup.
Me: And your unit bore the brunt of their assault.
Ogilvy: That's right. Most of us were with the Fighting Highlanders. But we had some support from the Loyal Lowlanders. And there were even a few from the Flying Dutchmen.
Me: What was it like for you on that fateful day?
Ogilvy: The enemy took us by surprise. Their first wave consisted of their smallest soldiers: brainwashed youths, dwarves, short men with something to prove, and so forth. This gave each of the larger and larger men of the following waves a light enough corpse to pick up and use as a shield against the hail of bullets from our guns.
Me: Kind of an insult to fallen heroes.
Ogilvy: Not compared to what they did to fallen foes.
Me: And what was that?
Ogilvy: Decapitate them.
Me: Good heavens! Why?
Ogilvy: To hold up like trophies when they advanced into battle.
Me: To demoralize you?
Ogilvy: And to confuse us. We'd be like, 'Where's Joe? Haven't seen him since lunch.' And someone would spot an enemy unit coming towards us and say 'Look! There he is!'.
Me: Well it sounds like a dirty job that you had to do over there, but it was better you than us! Let's show him our thanks as we go to the break. Retired Colonel Earl Ogilvy!
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: She's an independent woman who liberated herself from an enemy P.O.W. camp against the highest odds. Clear a path for her at the checkout counter! Sergeant Tanya Haloway coming through!
(Applause. Greetings.)
Me: You were taken alone - separated from your unit. Were you lost?
Haloway: No. I knew the co-ordinates of where I was stranded.
Me: And you stumbled on an enemy position.
Haloway: Yes. They were a small raiding party. They only wanted food and panties. But once they saw that I saw them, they couldn't risk leaving me behind.
Me: Uh-huh. And then what happened?
Haloway: They blindfolded me and drove me to a camp. Then a guard untied my blindfold, brought me into a barracks, and told me to strip. I took off my helmet, looked up at him, and said 'think quick!' as I flung it into his face. It caught him on the bridge of his nose and he went down in pain. I pounced on him, broke his neck, and took his gun.
Me: And that's when you made your escape?
Haloway: Almost. But no sooner had I hid the body than another guard came by. He took an immediate interest in me and invited me back to his post. Once there I pushed him against his bunk and he hit the back of his head on its metal frame. Then I grabbed a pillow, put it over his face, and used it to muffle a gunshot and soak up his blood.
Me: You shot him in the face?
Haloway: I had to so I could keep his blood off of his uniform, which I needed for my disguise. Then I found some office supplies to make a phoney moustache out of a lock of my hair. He had a good sturdy knife on him, too. I needed that to silence the next man I faced as I went out through the gate.
Me: You're free to go at any time, by the way.
Haloway: I know.
Me: You can just get up and walk on out the door. No one will stand in your way.
Haloway: I know. Go on. Ask me another question.
Me: All right then. Has your field experience given you an edge here at home?
Haloway: Yes it has. It taught me how to deal with men, like that paramedic who wanted to examine my sprained ankle and that officer who tried to give me a ticket for speeding. And how to handle men who ask too many questions.
Me: (to the camera) We'll be right back. (to Haloway) You said I could ask another question, right? Are you threatening me? You wouldn't get away with it, you know. I have friends in high places. One of my uncles owns a bowling alley...
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Me: He's an ace among fighter pilots, with over seventy-nine kills to his credit. Captain Skip Walker!
(Applause. Enter Walker. Greetings.)
Me: Seventy-nine kills. That's fine work, Captain. We salute you.
(More applause.)
Walker: Glad to be of service to my country.
Me: How did you shoot down so many fighters?
Walker: They weren't fighters.
Me: No? Oh well. You had to get past their fighters to reach their bombers.
Walker: They weren't bombers either.
Me: No? What were they?
Walker: Airships.
Me: I know that. But what kind?
Walker: You haven't heard of airships? (My expression is blank.) Dirigibles? (I still don't get it.) Zeppelins?
Me: Zeppelins? You mean like Led Zeppelin's album cover?
Walker: Yes.
Me: You mean blimps?
Walker: If you want to call them that.
Me: Blimps? Those floating monstrosities? Those count as kills?
Me: Because they're too easy! You could shoot one down with a slingshot! Oh well. Let's clap for him anyway, folks. Captain Skip Walker! Hey, at least he knows how to land safely.
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