Me: Tonight on the show we'll be delving into the realm of the paranormal. Thanks to advances in medical science, people are now able to come back from a state of clinical death. And many of them have some far out and freaky tales to share from the experience. Our first guest is just such a person. Let's have a nice lively welcome for Steve Spade, everybody!
(Applause. Enter Spade. Greetings. We take our seats.)
Me: Now Steve, I understand that you sensed that you were passing through a tunnel. Am I right?
Spade: That's right, Dave.
Me: Yes, that is a common experience for those who've had close calls like yours. What was it like?
Spade: It was very strange. The tunnel was dark and there was just a pinpoint of light at the end of it. And I was travelling ever so slowly through it.
Me: Wow.
Spade: And I wanted desperately to reach the light because I had a feeling that it would make me feel a whole lot better.
Me: Amazing.
Spade: Yes, because the pain in my legs was just terrible.
Me: Pain? You felt pain?
Spade: Oh yeah. And my right shoulder felt like it was dislocated.
Me: But how could that be if you were dead?
Spade: I don't know.
Me: (after a pause) Steve, where were you when this all took place?
Spade: I was on my way to God.
Me: No, I mean where was your body.
Spade: Oh that. It was being pulled out of a mine shaft after a collapse.
Me: I see. Well, we'll be back after the commercial with another guest whose story promises to be a little more incredible.
(Commercial)
Me: We're back. Our next guest is a woman who died on the operating table. Let's give a warm welcome to Lisa Mona everyone!
(I get up and greet Mona with a hug. We take our seats.)
Me: You claim to have been able to view the medical staff from above, trying to revive you.
Mona: That's right.
Me: Tell us more.
Mona: Well, I was at a party and someone gave me a rolled up cigarette and told me to smoke it. And the next thing I know I was in an ambulance and I ended up on the table in an emergency treatment room.
Me: Some cigarette!
Mona: It was.
Me: And you were clinically dead, according to the hospital, for about two and a half minutes.
Mona: That's right. And I remember being able to look down at my body and at the doctors and nurses. I was able to notice things like their dandruff.
Me: Amazing!
Mona: And I could hear them talking to each other. Like one of them said 'I'm getting a pulse!' And another one said 'Her eyes are opening.' And I could see myself looking at my body.
Me: (after a pause) You could see yourself looking at your body? Lisa, might I ask you what kind of ceiling it was in that room?
Mona: Oh that. It was mirrored. I'm not sure why. That was almost as strange as my experience.
Me: Oh well. Hang in there, folks, and we'll try one more time with our last guest right after this break.
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Commercial: The Dynamo 5000 Airgun
(A group of boys in the woods on a pretend hunting trip.)
Boy #1: Look! A chipmunk!
Boy #2: Get it!
Boy #1: (pumping his airgun before shooting...Bang!) Aw! Missed!
(Enter Boy #3 with his Dynamo 5000 airgun.)
Boy #3: You'll never hit a chipmunk with that stupid thing.
Boy #1: Oh yeah?
Boy #2: There it is again!
(Boy #3 aims his Dynamo 5000 and pulls the trigger, releasing a loud torrent of pellets.)
Boys 1 & 2: Wow!
Boy #3: You never miss with the Dynamo 5000. You can only fire one pellet at a time. But see? My gun has a clip. I can fire up to fifty rounds of pellets per second. And your gun needs to be pumped up to compress enough air to shoot. But see? Mine takes a canister of compressed air.
Boy #1: Cool! But where did the chipmunk go?
Boy #3: Oh, it's still here. Its remains are just scattered all over the forest, that's all.
Announcer: Are you looking for a better performance from your airgun? get the Dynamo 5000. If you miss the target on the first shot, you're sure to hit it on the tenth or eleventh. And it will reduce those pesky rodents to a bloody mess.
(Later that evening at the dinner table...)
Boy #1: Dad, can I get a Dynamo 5000?
Father: Oh, I don't know, son. That gun might be a little too grown up for you.
Boy #1: If you don't give it to me, I'll ask Uncle Dave.
Father: If I don't want you to have one, what makes you think he wants you to have one?
Announcer: Have the Dynamo 5000 ... and have your way ...
(The next week at the dinner table...)
Boy #1: Mom, can we have ice cream for supper again tonight?
Mother: Now you know that's not a proper meal.
(The boy points his Dynamo 5000 at his mother's head.)
Mother: Oh, all right. (Aside to her husband) We should get him to use that thing on his Uncle Dave.
Announcer: Get it now and we'll throw in this can of sulphuric acid for your water gun. The Dynamo 5000. Brought to you by the National Rifle Association, in conjunction with Happy Landings Funeral Parlours.
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Me: The final guest on the show tonight is a young woman who had a heart attack during a live performance in a theatre. Let's hear it for Sara Badhart.
(Applause. I get up to hug Sara. We take our seats.)
Me: Now you claim to have seen Jesus during your experience.
Badhart: That's right, Dave. The doctor warned me not to engage in any activity that was too exciting, but I just love the theatre. I should have known it would happen. I got so into the performance that I seized up and collapsed on the floor.
Me: And then you saw Jesus.
Badhart: Yes, there he was, standing right over me. His face was unmistakable. And he smells very nice.
Me: Naturally. He's the Anointed One.
Badhart: Yes, I didn't want to come back. I felt so at peace.
Me: But the star of the show had his Emergency First Aid and saw what happened.
Badhart: Yes. He stopped what he was doing, and ran over to revive me. And here I am.
Me: Wow. That guy's a hero. Why don't you tell us what show he's doing so we can support it in gratitude?
Badhart: Jesus Christ Superstar
Me: Fuck! Looks like we're oh-for-three on the guests tonight. Sorry about that, folks. But I'll try to make up for it with a performance of my song, Conviction, after the commercial. Hey, what is conviction but another word for faith?
(Commercial.)
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