Me: Tonight I'll be asking a few prominent members of the First Nations for their input on how we might solve some of those nagging cultural problems that have been caused since the settlement of this region by Europeans and Asians. As a man of obvious European descent who is not nearly as dark as Marlon Brando, I hope I won't be ruffling any eagle feathers in my treatment of this very serious and sensitive topic. And now ... he's a man whose physical mass is only outmatched by the size of his heart. Let's hear it for everyone's favourite psychiatric patient, the Chief!
(Enter the Chief. I get up to greet him and he shakes my hand so firmly that I cry out in pain. We take our seats.)
Me: Chief, everyone has an opinion on what to do about the clash of cultures in this region, but I think it's really the opinions of indigenous persons like yourself that matter. Could you tell us in a few words how you think we might approach this problem?
(Silence.)
Me: Chief?
(Silence.)
Me: Uh-huh. I think I know how I can break down this communication barrier. (I take out a pack of chewing gum from my desk, peel open the wrapper, and pull out a stick. The Chief spots what I have in my hands and his eyes widen with excitement.) Care for a stick? (The Chief accepts the gum, unwraps it, pops it in his mouth, and starts chewing.) Did you -
Chief: (between smacks) Before the Combine came along and made everything the same, things were different. When I was a boy, my father would take me out into the woods and teach me to hunt and fish. We used every part of the animals we killed. We wasted nothing. Then some white men came with their guns. They killed all the animals and just left them to rot. And when my father tried to stop them, they gave him a bottle of medicine that made him want to keep drinking out of it. He kept drinking and drinking and drinking, and when the white men wouldn't give him any more, he killed them all with an ax. And he put their bodies in a white man's wagon and set it on fire until it exploded. Then he took all their medicine and all their guns. He kept the medicine for himself but he gave the guns to my sisters and showed them how to use them against white men.
Me: So you -
Chief: (smacking away) My father drank all the medicine and needed to get more. So he went into the town and found the place where the medicine comes from. He wanted to trade some animal skins for more medicine, but the white man told him his skins were mangy. He made my father feel stupid, so my father pinned him to the wall with one hand and lifted him off the floor until he stopped breathing. Then he took all the medicine and loaded it into saddlebags and carried it home. After a while, I started to notice how my father didn't drink out of the bottle any more. The bottle drank out of him. Then one day my brother got into my father's medicine when my father was asleep. He drank half a bottle of it, and when my father woke up, they got into a fight. My father won and kicked my brother out of the house. My brother went into the town and got himself a job breaking horses for fifty thousand dollars a week. (I hold up a sign saying 'BACK IN TWO MINUTES'.) And my sisters hated the way the medicine changed my father and got jobs in the town as saloon dancers...
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Commercial: The Soundproof Suicide Persuasion Line
(A man about to hang himself talks on his phone.)
Man: I'm going to do it, I tell you!
Phone: (Woman's voice. Soothing tones.) Now you mustn't be sure about it or you wouldn't have called us and waited half an hour for the line to clear.
Man: I am so sure about it! I've got the rope around my neck and I'm standing on a chair!
(A uniformed rescue party breaks in.)
Officer #1: Oh no you don't! (They seize him and put him safely on the floor.)
Officer #2: Say, isn't that the same guy we had to rescue last month?
Officer #3: I remember helping him last year.
Officer #2: Maybe he'd be better off with Soundproof. Sir, who was that you were just talking to on the phone?
Man: The Suicide Prevention Team.
Officer #2: Oh, you won't get anywhere with them. Try this number next time. (He hands the man a card.)
Man: Gee, thanks!
Announcer: Looking for someone to give you that little push you need to fall off a roof? Give Soundproof a call. Our team of trained professionals know just what you want to hear.
(The next week. The man is again in position to hang himself, with his phone in his ear. He pulls out the card and dials the number on it.)
Phone: (Woman's voice. Disagreeable tones.) What do you want?
Man: I want to die!
Phone: Oh you want to die, do you? Is it because you're such a loser? I can tell by your weak voice that you never get laid. Are you impotent or just unsure of your sexuality?
Man: I - I - (He bursts into tears.)
Phone: Oh, it's because you're a suck! Well now is your chance to prove you're a man! Do it! Do it!
(The next day. The officers stand around a hurst as the man's covered body is wheeled out of his building.)
Officer #2: (beaming) Looks like Soundproof did the trick.
Officer #3: Yeah. Maybe God can put up with his whining.
Announcer: The Soundproof Suicide Persuasion Line. We're here so they're not.
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(My long legs stick out of a small pupil's 'replacement' desk. A large, ugly hole gapes in the wall behind me.)
Me: As you can see, the Chief couldn't find the exit. But our next guest is no stranger to outdoor life. He's been a bonafide elder since his tribe's run-in with General Custer. Let's hear it for Grandfather!
(Applause. Enter Grandfather in traditional garb, pushing his intravenous stand. He walks so slowly that I am able to get up, go over and shake his hand, and return to my tiny temporary desk and cram myself into it before he has made it halfway across the stage. Eventually he takes his seat.)
Me: Grandfather, your people, unlike my stupid people, have a deep respect for their elders. As the eldest of these elders, with the greatest storehouse of wisdom, what advice could you offer the world to help First Nations people in the modern age?
Grandfather: (slowly and deliberately) The - black - white - man - and the - little - big - man - run in - circles... (He stops.)
Me: Yes? Go on. The black white man...
Grandfather: And the - little - big - man - run in...
Grandfather: At - the - sparrows. And the - Great - Spirit - moves - like the - wind - through the - caves of -- through the - caves - of... (Again he stops.)
Me: Of what? Caves of what? Grandfather, we're running out of time!
Grandfather: Through the caves of time.
Me: Oh, that's what it was? Time? Hmm. That's actually quite profound.
(Commercial.)
Me: Our last guest on the show tonight is a man who grew up in the projects and has since become a leading advocate for minorities' rights. Mr Elrond Hayes!
(Enter Hayes, a man of obviously African heritage. Confusion shows on my face as I get up to greet him. We take our seats.)
Me: Thank you for being on the show.
Hayes: Thanks for inviting me.
Me: (after a pause) So was your mother First Nations?
Hayes: No, she was Portuguese Viking.
Me: Oh. Your father then?
Hayes: One hundred percent Zulu.
Me: (after a pause) So how did you get on this show?
Hayes: What do you mean?
Me: This show is about First Nations issues.
Hayes: Oh, I get it. You think First Nations people are the only ones who have rhythm, just because they're banging on those drums all the time. And you think First Nations people are the only ones that know how to play the blues or that know how to play the saxophone properly. And you think First Nations people are the only ones that score with the ladies. And you think they're only ones that excel in athletic competitions. And you think they're the only ones who suffer through poverty and social segregation. And you think they're the only ones who can make it all the way to become the president of the United States. And you think -
Me: All right! All right! You've made your point. Fine. So how would you change things to make life better for First Nations people?
Hayes: I think that for half the year we should put all the white people on those reserves and let the brown people have the suburbs.
Me: I sort of follow you. But what about the First Nations people?
Hayes: Oh, them? Ship em back to Africa.
Me: Well, as hard as it is for me to do, I'm going to respect your opinion because I think the answer to all minority issues boils down to simple respect. And the title of the song I've got coming up after the break agrees with me.
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