Me: For our last show of the week, we'll be discussing a topic of interest to everyone: how to get rich. As usual, I have three guests lined up for you. So without further ado, let's bring out the first one right now. Mister Oscar T. Finkelmeyer!
(Applause. Enter Finkelmeyer. Greetings. Handshake. We take our seats.)
Me: So you have won the lottery an incredible four times.
Finkelmeyer: That's right.
Me: You're going to have to tell us your secret.
Finkelmeyer: I did it all with common sense. I took a businesslike approach to it.
Me: I'm not sure I follow you. Don't you win those things by simple luck?
Finkelmeyer: You can take steps to improve your odds. I have wanted to be a lottery winner from a very early age. I've been planning it out for a long time.
Me: I still don't follow you. What sort of steps are you talking about?
Finkelmeyer: Well, first, you need to get your hands on a large supply of tickets. So you need to open up a convenience store that vends lottery tickets. You need to choose a location close to an old age home because old people buy more tickets. What you do is keep a winning ticket for a small prize handy, and when one of them comes in to check a big winner, you switch it for the small winner, pay off the customer, and cash in their ticket for yourself. They're old, so they'll probably die before they find out about it.
Me: (after a pause) Isn't that illegal?
Finkelmeyer: Again, you have to think ahead. Make sure to pay off all the cops with your winnings as soon as you get them. Then use some of the money to open up more vending outlets. I have a chain of stores now across six states, each located across from an old age home.
Me: Geez, it's a lot more straightforward than I imagined.
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Commercial: Pottypants
(A group waits for an elevator. The camera singles out a young couple.)
Man: I'm not going to make it.
Woman: Hold it in! Just twenty more floors!
Man: It's stopping again!
Woman: It has to stop to let on other people.
Man: I'm not going to make it. Why did I have that fourth glass of prune juice?
Woman: Hold it in!
Man: I can't! I can't!
(He messes his white suit. A woman screams. The elevator doors open and they get on as everyone else heads for the stairs.)
Announcer: Don't let this happen to you. Get Pottypants, a product that was once only available for patients with colitis. Pottypants is made with super absorbent material and treated with chemicals that filter human waste and change its smell to the sweet scent of lilacs.
(The couple at home, playing backgammon.)
Woman: Why are you making that face?
Man: What face?
Woman: You better not be relieving yourself.
Man: Of course, not. It's your turn. (He turns to the camera, smiles, and winks.)
Announcer: Pottypants. Because it's your business.
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Me: And now we're going to meet an advertising mogul who's going to tell us how to be successful in the art of persuasion. She's a former classmate of mine, Miss Mitsy Sharpe!
(Enter Sharpe. Greetings. Hugs. We take our seats.)
Me: Mitsy, I understand that your business reported over three billion dollars in profits last year. How do you do it?
Sharpe: Well, Dave, the advertising business is constantly evolving, so it's important to stay up-to-date with the techniques that are used.
Me: Do you mean those psychological techniques we learned back in trade school?
Sharpe: Actually those are starting to become obsolete. Nowadays physical persuasion is proving to be the most effective.
Me: Physical persuasion?
Sharpe: Yes. You do recall watching Triumph of the Will in propaganda class, don't you?
Me: Well sure, but I thought that was because Hitler was such a master propagandist.
Sharpe: You overlooked his mastery of strong-arm tactics.
Me: Strong-arm tactics. You mean bullying?
Sharpe: Right. You should have gone the extra mile and read Mein Kampf. 'The creation of force is the creation of power.'
Me: Come to think of it, I only got a 'B' on that paper. Of course, the teacher thought I was a degenerate Slav. So how do you employ these new techniques?
Sharpe: We do so with the aim of creating brand loyalty. We create an environment in which the only brand consumers can trust is our clients' brand. We do so by introducing the threat of physical harm for consumers if they attempt to buy any brand from our clients' competitors.
Me: This must have caused some changes in your personnel.
Sharpe: Yes, we've replaced all our psychological experts with highly trained mercenaries.
Me: Well, thank you for being with us today, and I hope I haven't said anything to offend you.
(Commercial)
Me: Our last guest worked his way up to become the biggest bigshot in the music business. Let's have a big hand for Jimmy the Slick!
(Enter Slick, with the broad smile of a politician and his arm raised over his head as he waves. Greetings. I shake his hand but it slips off. We take our seats.)
Me: Thank you for coming on the show.
Slick: My pleasure.
Me: Now my last guest says that her business is constantly evolving. Is it the same with the music business?
Slick: It sure is.
Me: So how are some of the ways that it has changed in the last while?
Slick: Well, the internet has changed everything. It's given us a whole new approach.
Me: Please tell us more.
Slick: Well, in the old days, we used to seize work from submitted tapes. Now we do it by surfing the internet.
Me: Seize work?
Slick: Yeah! Like there was this one guy, this big, dumb, hick bohunk who didn't know he had a hit song. We scooped it up and cashed it in behind his back! Heh! heh! heh! What a maroon! Heh! heh!
Me: (after a pause) And what song was that?
Slick: All My Money.
Me: That's my song, you creep! (I jump up from my chair and pull Slick to the floor. We wrestle fiercely. The security pulls us apart.)
Slick: (leaving) Just for that, I'm not coming back here!
Me: (held tightly by security) LET ME AT HIM! LET ME AT HIM!
(Commercial.)
Me: And now I guess I'm in the right frame of mind to convincingly perform this song.
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