I thought it might be interesting tonight if we could talk to some other talk show hosts and see how they perform in the guest chair. I bet you're as curious as I am to find out if they're as good at answering questions as they are at asking them. My first guest is the popular host of the Comical Network's Nightly Show. He's funny, smart, and the only star I've met who can outscore me in Castle Wolfenstein. Let's have a big hand for Ron Newhart!
(Enter Newhart. We shake hands and take our seats.)
Me: Now I've been following your show for years and I think it's one of the best. I especially like how you cover news stories. But why do your guests always have their own books?
Newhart: Do you think it's pretentious?
Me: No, I mean, why do they always seem to need their own book before they can get on your show?
Newhart: Do you think it's exclusive?
Me: Can't any star pay a hack to write a book for them?
Newhart: Are you saying that today a book's success depends on the celebrity of its author?
Me: Would you read a book merely on the strength of the author's popularity?
Newhart: Do I strike you as dumb?
Me: What?
Newhart: Do you think I'm stupid?
Me: Didn't you do well in school?
Newhart: Would my scholastic performance be a true measure of my intelligence?
Me: Were you a class clown?
Newhart: Do you mean a funny clown or a goofy clown?
Me: (after pausing to concentrate) Aren't goofs funny?
Newhart: Are you calling me a goof?
Me: Why I would I say something so rude to a guest?
Newhart: Why did you?
Me: Have you never heard of a rebel clown? Why did you think I was talking about a goofy clown? Folks, we're going to a commercial while I straighten out this problem with my distinguished and -uh- inquisitive guest.
(Commercial.)
Me: And now for a man whose show was every bit as enjoyable in black-and-white as it was in colour. Mister Rick Havick!
(Applause. Enter Havick. Greetings. We take our seats.)
Me: Let me tell you, your show had the coolest guests: Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, and serious writers like Anthony Burgess and Jersey Kosinski and Truman Capote. How did you get such awesome talent to come on your show when they were snubbing everyone else?
Havick: Do you think I sucked up to them?
Me: Well, did you?
Havick: Weren't the things I was saying in my monologues enough to attract them?
Me: Like what?
Havick: Didn't you pay attention to my monologues?
Me: Was I supposed to at the age of five?
Havick: Can't you watch them on the internet?
Me: Do you know how much it costs for a home connection these days?
Havick: Do you think my monologues aren't worth it?
Me: How would I know without seeing them?
Havick: Without the internet, how did you become a fan of my work?
Me: Would my dislike of Nixon be too negative a reason?
Havick: Are you referring to the recording of him saying he had to 'get' Havick?
Me: Do you think it helped you when they caught him saying that?
Havick: Do you think I needed help?
Me: Is there anything wrong with needing help once in a while?
Havick: Are you calling me a bum?
Me: Why would I be so rude to a guest? (Turning to camera) Folks, we'll return shortly after I clear this up. (Turning back to Havick) Why did you think I meant -
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Commercial: Max-mix Protein Powder.
(Two workers struggle to scrape tiles from a rooftop with spades. Worker #1 gives out.)
Worker #2: (shouting) Foreman!
(Enter the foreman.)
Foreman: What's the problem?
Worker #2: He's not going to last until lunchtime. Better send in another man.
Foreman: (to the fallen worker) What's the matter with you? You were fine yesterday.
Worker #1: I haven't eaten since this morning.
Foreman: Well that's not enough! Come with me.
(They go over to the edge of the roof where the foreman's lunchbox lies. He opens it and pulls out a plastic bottle and a small carton of milk.)
Worker #1: What's that?
Foreman: It's Max-mix. A month's supply of protein in every teaspoon. Just pour a little in your milk and you'll have all the energy you need. (He prepares a drink of the mixture for Worker #1 and hands it to him. Bob tilts his head back, downs it all, and lets out a gasp of satisfaction.)
Foreman: How do you feel?
Worker #1: That's revitalizing!
Foreman: Are you ready to go back to work?
Worker #1: I sure am! (He takes a few steps away from the edge and crashes through the tiles, leaving behind a fresh hole.)
Announcer: Get fortified with Max-mix protein powder - as long as you don't work in roofing.
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Me: He's a man who retired from his job on the Evening Show at the height of his popularity. Ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Jamie Carsick!
(Applause. Enter Carsick. Greetings. We take our seats.)
Me: Mister Carsick, I know that you, like my last two visitors, are used to asking the questions. But are you prepared to supply us with a few answers tonight?
Carsick: What kind of answers?
Me: Sigh! The kind that do not end with a question mark.
Carsick: The punctuation mark or, as you just did, with the words, 'question mark'?
Me: Why is this so impossible?
Carsick: Are you upset? Have I said something to upset you? (I break down and start to blubber.) Are you not feeling well? Would you like a Gravol or something? (I start hitting my head against my desk and redouble my sobbing.) What did you have to eat today? Are you -
(Commercial)
And now for a song over which there hopefully remains no question of my ownership.
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