Me: Tonight on the show we'll be delving into the realm of the paranormal. Thanks to advances in medical science, people are now able to come back from a state of clinical death. And many of them have some far out and freaky tales to share from the experience. Our first guest is just such a person. Let's have a nice lively welcome for Steve Spade, everybody!
(Applause. Enter Spade. Greetings. We take our seats.)
Me: Now Steve, I understand that you sensed that you were passing through a tunnel. Am I right?
Spade: That's right, Dave.
Me: Yes, that is a common experience for those who've had close calls like yours. What was it like?
Spade: It was very strange. The tunnel was dark and there was just a pinpoint of light at the end of it. And I was travelling ever so slowly through it.
Me: Wow.
Spade: And I wanted desperately to reach the light because I had a feeling that it would make me feel a whole lot better.
Me: Amazing.
Spade: Yes, because the pain in my legs was just terrible.
Me: Pain? You felt pain?
Spade: Oh yeah. And my right shoulder felt like it was dislocated.
Me: But how could that be if you were dead?
Spade: I don't know.
Me: (after a pause) Steve, where were you when this all took place?
Spade: I was on my way to God.
Me: No, I mean where was your body.
Spade: Oh that. It was being pulled out of a mine shaft after a collapse.
Me: I see. Well, we'll be back after the commercial with another guest whose story promises to be a little more incredible.
(Commercial)
Me: We're back. Our next guest is a woman who died on the operating table. Let's give a warm welcome to Lisa Mona everyone!
(I get up and greet Mona with a hug. We take our seats.)
Me: You claim to have been able to view the medical staff from above, trying to revive you.
Mona: That's right.
Me: Tell us more.
Mona: Well, I was at a party and someone gave me a rolled up cigarette and told me to smoke it. And the next thing I know I was in an ambulance and I ended up on the table in an emergency treatment room.
Me: Some cigarette!
Mona: It was.
Me: And you were clinically dead, according to the hospital, for about two and a half minutes.
Mona: That's right. And I remember being able to look down at my body and at the doctors and nurses. I was able to notice things like their dandruff.
Me: Amazing!
Mona: And I could hear them talking to each other. Like one of them said 'I'm getting a pulse!' And another one said 'Her eyes are opening.' And I could see myself looking at my body.
Me: (after a pause) You could see yourself looking at your body? Lisa, might I ask you what kind of ceiling it was in that room?
Mona: Oh that. It was mirrored. I'm not sure why. That was almost as strange as my experience.
Me: Oh well. Hang in there, folks, and we'll try one more time with our last guest right after this break.
--------------------------------------------
Commercial: The Dynamo 5000 Airgun
(A group of boys in the woods on a pretend hunting trip.)
Boy #1: Look! A chipmunk!
Boy #2: Get it!
Boy #1: (pumping his airgun before shooting...Bang!) Aw! Missed!
(Enter Boy #3 with his Dynamo 5000 airgun.)
Boy #3: You'll never hit a chipmunk with that stupid thing.
Boy #1: Oh yeah?
Boy #2: There it is again!
(Boy #3 aims his Dynamo 5000 and pulls the trigger, releasing a loud torrent of pellets.)
Boys 1 & 2: Wow!
Boy #3: You never miss with the Dynamo 5000. You can only fire one pellet at a time. But see? My gun has a clip. I can fire up to fifty rounds of pellets per second. And your gun needs to be pumped up to compress enough air to shoot. But see? Mine takes a canister of compressed air.
Boy #1: Cool! But where did the chipmunk go?
Boy #3: Oh, it's still here. Its remains are just scattered all over the forest, that's all.
Announcer: Are you looking for a better performance from your airgun? get the Dynamo 5000. If you miss the target on the first shot, you're sure to hit it on the tenth or eleventh. And it will reduce those pesky rodents to a bloody mess.
(Later that evening at the dinner table...)
Boy #1: Dad, can I get a Dynamo 5000?
Father: Oh, I don't know, son. That gun might be a little too grown up for you.
Boy #1: If you don't give it to me, I'll ask Uncle Dave.
Father: If I don't want you to have one, what makes you think he wants you to have one?
Announcer: Have the Dynamo 5000 ... and have your way ...
(The next week at the dinner table...)
Boy #1: Mom, can we have ice cream for supper again tonight?
Mother: Now you know that's not a proper meal.
(The boy points his Dynamo 5000 at his mother's head.)
Mother: Oh, all right. (Aside to her husband) We should get him to use that thing on his Uncle Dave.
Announcer: Get it now and we'll throw in this can of sulphuric acid for your water gun. The Dynamo 5000. Brought to you by the National Rifle Association, in conjunction with Happy Landings Funeral Parlours.
--------------------------------------------
Me: The final guest on the show tonight is a young woman who had a heart attack during a live performance in a theatre. Let's hear it for Sara Badhart.
(Applause. I get up to hug Sara. We take our seats.)
Me: Now you claim to have seen Jesus during your experience.
Badhart: That's right, Dave. The doctor warned me not to engage in any activity that was too exciting, but I just love the theatre. I should have known it would happen. I got so into the performance that I seized up and collapsed on the floor.
Me: And then you saw Jesus.
Badhart: Yes, there he was, standing right over me. His face was unmistakable. And he smells very nice.
Me: Naturally. He's the Anointed One.
Badhart: Yes, I didn't want to come back. I felt so at peace.
Me: But the star of the show had his Emergency First Aid and saw what happened.
Badhart: Yes. He stopped what he was doing, and ran over to revive me. And here I am.
Me: Wow. That guy's a hero. Why don't you tell us what show he's doing so we can support it in gratitude?
Badhart: Jesus Christ Superstar
Me: Fuck! Looks like we're oh-for-three on the guests tonight. Sorry about that, folks. But I'll try to make up for it with a performance of my song, Conviction, after the commercial. Hey, what is conviction but another word for faith?
Me: This evening on the D.S. Show we're going to interview some people I've been meeting in my daily searches for food. They might look like losers, but you'd be surprised what you can learn from them if you talk to them for a few minutes. We're going to start with a ten year veteran of street life. Let's have a nice round of applause for Bill Shmill, ladies and gentlemen!
(Audience cheers. Enter Shmill, wearing a potato sack. I stand up to shake his hand before we both take our seats.)
Me: So, ten years, eh?
Shmill: Yup.
Me: How are you holding out?
Shmill: Surviving.
Me: But you weren't always unemployed, were you?
Shmill: No, I used to work in a factory.
Me: What did you do there?
Shmill: I put explosive charges into bombs.
Me: Well, you must have a very steady hand for that kind of work.
Shmill: Yes, I was good at it.
Me: So why aren't you still there?
Shmill: Search me. I was minding my own business in the lunchroom, reading a copy of the Anarchist Cookbook that a friend gave me, when the security swarmed me and dragged me off the property. It was around September, I think. I haven't been able to get a job in my field ever since.
Me: That's too bad. But you know, life goes on. I mean, what have you done ever since? All you've done is to take. You have to give to get.
Shmill: What about that sandwich I gave you yesterday?
Me: Oh yeah. Anyway, that's all the time we have for this guest, but stay tuned and we'll be right back after the break.
Announcer: Tired of break-ins? You can go ahead and put more locks on your doors or you can get with the times and invest in Securiguard. Our state-of-the-art security system offers maximum protection from thieves. And it makes sure they don't survive to steal again!
Just hook up your Securiguard to your windows and doors and plug it in. After that, any unwelcome visitors will be in for a shocking lesson. 50,000 volts worth!
Neighbour: What are you doing, Steve?
Steve: Oh, I just don't want Allan's newspaper to get all wet from the rain out here. I'll just pop it through his window. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Announcer: Get Securiguard today for just eight thousand dollars! Or you can invest in this official Securiguard sticker that makes thieves think you have the system for a mere $7,999.00. And help put an end to property crime.
Securiguard. Brought to you by your local hydro company.
--------------------------------------------
Me: We're back and it's time to bring out our next guest. He's been struggling on the streets ever since he lost his job in a booth, giving out tourist information. Let's hear it for Happy Hazzard, everyone!
(Applause. Enter Hazzard. I try to shake his hand but he won't let me.)
Me: Thanks for being on the show. (Silence.) So, Hap ... may I call you Hap?
Hazzard: No.
Me: Oh, well, Mister Hazzard, how did you lose your job in the hospitality trade?
Hazzard: WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT, DAVE? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD OR SOMETHING? FUCK, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!
Me: But, I just wanted the people out there to have some background -
Hazzard: FUCK EM! THEY'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS! YOU'D HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TO EXPLAIN THE SIMPLEST THING TO THEM!
Me: All right then. Never mind them. But I want to know why people like you think you can just keep on taking in this life and never give anything back.
Hazzard: WHAT ABOUT THAT SHIRT I GAVE YOU FROM THE CLOTHING DONATIONS, YOU PRICK?
Me: Oh yeah.
(Commercial.)
Me: And now for our final guest. She's been on the streets for six years and still hasn't found a job or a home. Give it up one more time for Tara!
(Enter Tara. She saunters over to the chair. I get up to give her a hug then we take our seats.)
Me: Now, Tara, you used to work in a pharmacy. Am I right? ... Tara? ... TARA!
Tara: (waking up) What?
Me: I said that you used to work in a pharmacy.
Tara: And?
Me: Well did you?
Tara: Did I what?
Me: Did you work in a pharmacy?
Tara: Oh yeah, but that was a long time ago. (She starts to nod off again.)
Me: Well, you should try to find another job. I mean, people like you think you can just take and take and never give anything back ... Tara? ... TARA! ...
(The camera zooms in on Tara's face as she tries to focus. It then switches for a moment to 'Tara-vision'. I'm still calling out her name but my voice sounds like it is playing on a slowed down recording. The set is more brightly coloured and the background rotates slowly behind my head, which has been rendered into a cartoon resembling Dagwood Bumstead.)
Tara: Wha-?
Me: I said that people like you think you can just keep taking and never give anything back.
Tara: What about that pack of smokes I gave you?
Me: I don't remember that.
Tara: That's because it was when we were -
Me: And that's all the time we have for guest portion of our show tonight! Let's drown out Tara with another large round of applause everybody! (Loud applause covers over Tara's talking.) And after this word from our sponsors, I'll be ready with my guitar to give you a hopefully more meaningful performance of one of my favourite of my songs, Friendly. See ya in two minutes.
Me: The last you saw of my next guest was her hand pushing up from her grave. And now I would ask you to give a big hand to ... Carrie!
(Applause. Enter Carrie. I get up to give her a hug. We go to our seats.)
Me: Now, Carrie, I couldn't help but notice what you did to that hometown of yours. Don't you think you were kind of a sissy?
Carrie: What do you mean? Didn't you see what they did to me? Didn't you see how they mocked me?
Me: You're not the only one who gets mocked, Carrie. I went through about a thousand times worse than you did.
Carrie: But didn't you see how they spoiled my prom night?
Me: So? At least you got to go to the prom. On my prom night I was out delivering my brother's newspapers.
Carrie: They laughed at me and called me cruel names!
Me: You could fill an encyclopedia with all the names I've been called, dear.
Carrie: And they picked on me for no reason at all!
Me: That's not true. They picked on you because you're such a dorkette. It's the sheepish way you express yourself. It's your awkward movements. And who's your fashion consultant? L'il Orphan Annie? If you want to look hip, you should be wearing Adidas track suits and platform shoes with goldfish in the heels. Hey, everyone, look at Carrie! She doesn't have a clue, does she?
(Audience bursts out laughing. Carrie turns to them and rolls back her eyes.)
Me: What, are you trying to set fire to my audience now? They're wax dummies, Carrie. That was recorded laughter. I'm one step ahead of you.
(Carrie turns to me and rolls back her eyes.)
Me: Oh, you're trying that on me now! Your powers are useless against me. Like I said, I've already been through far worse than you. But I can do things to you! (I press a button in my desk, dumping a tub of water on Carrie.) Holy water, Batman!
Carrie: Aaaagh! It burns!
Me: Give us a Flashdance, Carrie!
(Loud recorded laughter drives Carrie from her seat. She runs offstage, sobbing.)
Me: (calling after her) And leave that broom right where it is! You'll have to find your own transportation home! Little sissy.
(Commercial.)
Me: Now for our final guest on the D.S. Show this evening. He's the future president of the United States unless someone does something about it now. Let's hear it for ... Damien!
(Audience cheers. Enter Damien. I help him into his seat because his legs are too short. I take my seat.)
Me: How's it going, squirt?
Damien: Don't call me that.
Me: Sorry. How is your mother, Rosemary? I haven't seen her for a while.
Damien: She had an accident.
Me: Oh. I'll have to send her a card.
Damien: Send flowers to her grave.
Me: That's too bad. What about your father?
Damien: He had an accident, too.
Me: How unfortunate. Well, so much for formalities. When was the Battle of Hastings?
Damien: 1066!
Me: And the French Revolution?
Damien: 1789!
Me: Geez! You're a sharpie! What about -
Damien: 1943!
Me: All right. I'll give you this round. But I bet you can't beat me in a game of horseshoes.
Damien: You're on!
(We get up and take position in front of a horseshoe pit.)
Me: I'll go first. And look, I'll throw mine from way back here since I'm a lot bigger than you.
(I throw the horseshoe and miss the stake.)
Me: Oh well. Your turn. No, you can start from closer than that. No, even closer. You can get right up in front of it...
(I push Damien as he is about to throw. He falls forward onto the stake.)
Me: Oh no! Would you look at that, ladies and gentlemen! Little Damien has impaled himself on a sterling silver stake! What a terrible accident! (I go over to inspect the scene.) Who sharpened this? Artie, I want answers! (Silence.) Better call an ambulance. Wait. (I kneel down and check his vital signs.) Never mind. Sheesh! That whole family was accident prone. And I suppose that ends the guest portion of my show tonight. But hang in there and I'll try to lighten the mood with an acoustic rendition of my song, Ugly. Right after this important message from our sponsors.
Me: The theme of tonight's show is survival. We have three guests for you. Each of them has an amazing story of survival to share. We're going to start with a construction worker who survived a fall from a fifty storey building. Let's hear it for Roland Wright, ladies and gentlemen.
(Audience cheers. The guest is wheeled in, sporting a full body cast, and parked adjacent to my desk. I rise to greet him with applause but don't try to shake his hand.)
Me: So, Roland, everyone has heard about your incredible recovery from a fifty storey fall -
Roland: Sixty-three storeys, David.
Me: But that building only has fifty storeys.
Roland: Yeah, but I bounced back up in the air to a height of thirteen storeys before I landed a second time.
Me: Oh. So you must be made of some pretty sturdy stuff. Do you mind if I ask what they put in your diet?
Roland: Actually, I give my physician all the credit. He took me off iron pills and got me on Indian rubber pills about a month before it happened because I was having trouble touching my toes.
Me: What caused you to fall?
Roland: I deserved it, I guess. I was peering over the edge of the roof with my binoculars, trying to look down the tops of women's low-cut blouses.
Me: Naughty boy! And has the accident caused any changes in your lifestyle?
Roland: Not in the workplace because I was the foreman, but it has made it much harder for me to play video games.
Me: Well, we're all praying for a speedy recovery for you. Let's hear it again for Roland Wright, folks.
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: Now it's time to bring out our next guest. He's a Protestant minister who survived eight years in an Arab prison. Give it up for Reverend Christopher Kringle, everyone!
(Applause. I get up and greet the reverend, who is dressed in traditional Muslim attire. We take our places in front of the camera.)
Me: That's some wild get-up you have on there!
Kringle: Thank you.
Me: So everyone knows your story and they want to know if your struggle has increased your faith in God.
Kringle: Who's God?
Me: Uh - you know, the Almighty One, the Creator of the Universe, the Merciful...
Kringle: Oh, you mean Allah! Yes, my eyes have been truly opened.
Me: That's not what you used to call him, Chris.
Kringle: Muhammed.
Me: What?
Kringle: My name is Muhammed. (He shifts his chair to point away from my desk.)
Me: What are you doing?
Kringle: I'm trying to face Mecca as you ask me these questions.
Me: Well, that's all the time we have for this guest. But hang in there and we'll have one more right after this message.
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: And now for our last guest. She's a songwriter who - uh - shared her songs on the internet? Let's have a big hand for Doris Yablonski, everyone!
(Enter Yablonski. I stay seated and let her take her position in the guest chair.)
Me: Doris, why are you on this program about survival with a man who survived a sixty-three storey fall and another who survived eight years in an Arab prison when all you did was share your songs on the internet?
Doris: The songs were good.
Me: Oh! Well, say no more!
Well, I've had just a great time on the show tonight, as I hope you all have had. And in a moment my three guests will be sitting offstage, watching me perform one of my more popular numbers to top everything off. It's the perfect song for a show with this theme. You guessed it! Son, the World's a Shithole! No, just kidding. Survival. Coming up, right after this break.
