Me: Is there a God? I've been fairly open about my faith or lack of faith over the years, but even as an atheist, I found myself arguing in favour of religion. I think we need it. I think it helps us to accept suffering. I think it disciplines our use of power. And while some say it makes no sense to believe without evidence, I find that life makes no sense without God to believe in. My guests tonight are all atheists I've been in contact with online. They'll be asking me the questions on this compelling and divisive issue. We'll start with a guru who has the added advantage of receiving views and comments from his followers. Popularly known as the Crazy Christ-killer, Craig Bilson!
(Applause. Enter Bilson.)
Me: Why are you looking at me like that?
Bilson: Because you're a turncoat.
Me: Come on. Even when I called myself an atheist, I openly defended religion.
Bilson: Then why did you call yourself an atheist?
Me: My life was so bad after I deleted my work from the web that I lost my faith in God.
Bilson: And now you're a Christian again. What makes you think you have faith in God when you had no faith in your atheism?
Me: Isn't that what atheism is? Absence of faith?
Bilson: To me it's faith in the absence of faith. Why does your faith depend on your popularity?
Me: When I'm popular, I need God to prevent me from succumbing to my tyrannical urges.
Bilson: Don't you trust yourself with power?
Me: I don't trust anyone but God with it. Only God is perfect. People make mistakes. And power is too seductive.
Bilson: Yeah. Look what it did to the Reverend Jim Jones. Are you sure your faith is protecting you from corruption?
Me: Jim Jones was dishonest. Faith doesn't work on liars. Real faith in God should remind you that all power comes from above.
Bilson: How can you worship something you can't even see?
Me: I do see him. He was sitting right where you are not long ago. He lives in Wyoming.
Bilson: (laughing) I'm pretty sure that was just an actor. God is all in your mind.
Me: Along with you, this studio, and the sky above. And hopefully I'm in yours.
Bilson: That's because I can see you. I don't see any Supreme Beings floating around.
Me: It demeans God to become visible here among the faithless. But my faith is not even so much about whether or not I can see God. It's about the kind of person it makes me: forgiving, considerate, modest. Most of all, it helps me to accept suffering.
Bilson: I thought you said you lost your faith when your life was bad.
Me: Oh it's gotten much worse since then. But of course, that's not your fault. Thank you for joining us tonight. Craig Bilson, the Crazy Christ-Killer!
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Commercial: Save Dave
(An anvil factory. A stuntman stands in my place alongside a rookie forklift driver, teaching her how to stack a load.)
Stuntman: Now these things weigh ten thousand pounds each, so there is absolutely no room for error. As you can see, we stack them four high.
Rookie: You want me to put that way up there?
Stuntman: Don't worry. The cage will protect you if it falls. Now get under the load. (She drives the forks under the anvil.) Good. (Now tilt up.)
Rookie: Which lever is that one?
Stuntman: (pointing) There. (She tilts the massive load against the mast of the vehicle.) All the way back. That's good. Now lift it up. (Her forks carry the load up out of sight.)
Rookie: Why is it wobbling like that?
Stuntman: Don't worry. That's normal. Now you only need to tilt down and let it slide onto the stack.
Rookie: This one, right?
Stuntman: NO! THAT'S THE ROTATE LEVER!
(The anvil tumbles down, crashes against the forklift, and bounces off camera, leaving the rookie unharmed.)
Rookie: Hey, Dave, you were right! The cage protected me! Dave? DAVE!
(The anvil rests on its side with the stuntman's arm sticking out from under it.)
Announcer: Who says Dave needs to die by his own hand? It could easily happen on just about any of the jobs he is forced to do without the money he is owed by the entertainment business. What if he died today? Where would that leave you?
(Hell. A whip-wielding demon breaks in some new prisoners.)
Prisoner: You want me to push that freight car all the way up that ramp by hand?
Demon: You made Dave do it.
Prisoner: Who's Dave?
Demon: The one you left unpaid for all his music and comedy. You fool, didn't anyone ever tell you laughter was the language of the soul?
Prisoner: But I didn't even know the guy!
Demon: That's because you neglected him all his life! Now get to work!
(The prisoner starts the freight car moving with a heavy grunt. A few steps into his task he starts whistling.)
Demon: (cracking his whip) No music!
Announcer: If Dave dies, there could Hell to pay - or at least Purgatory. Think about it. A message from the Foundation to Save Dave.
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Me: Up next is a Marxist who believes that religion is the opiate of the masses. She thinks it is a tool of power to oppress the population. Yvonne Redrumovitch!
(Applause. Enter Redrumovitch in combat fatigues with a red armband.)
Me: Well, go ahead. Let me have it.
Redrumovitch: Why did you defend religion when you were an atheist?
Me: I thought there was a need for it among people who don't study ethics.
Redrumovitch: You mean dummies?
Me: I might have thought of them that way as an atheist, but now I see them more as children - beautiful, innocent children.
Redrumovitch: Not worthless sinners as you once wrote?
Me: In the darkest depths of my blind atheism? No.
Redrumovitch: With you as their parent?
Me: No. With myself as one of them.
Redrumovitch: How can you believe in God without passing judgement on me, which is forbidden by your religion?
Me: I accept atheists as playing a part in God's plan, but my faith causes me to clash with them.
Redrumovitch: And do you also accept the dictatorship of the corporate elite as God's plan?
Me: I'm sure it's better than the dictatorship of Stalin. But any system has room for improvement.
Redrumovitch: Yes. And how can it improve if everyone accepts it as God's will?
Me: By man's will.
Redrumovitch: But doesn't belief in God sap man's will by reducing us to mere pawns in an almighty hand?
Me: An almighty hand that never errs, you mean? On the contrary, my belief in God inspires me to strive for perfection.
Redrumovitch: How can you say it never errs? Think of bloody history! Think of your own trials!
Me: Think of the Saviour's trial. As a flawed human being with shallow vision, I am incapable of passing fair judgement on human history, however horrible it appears to me. I just have to trust in God.
Redrumovitch: Yes. I can see that the drug-like hold that your religious faith has on you is very powerful. But if you shake yourself free of this delusion, you could unlock the full potential of your mind.
Me: People like you are too analytical. Much of the human experience is felt rather than thought. And how is my religious faith any less drug-like than your political doctrine?
Redrumovitch: At least my doctrine is focused on humanity.
Me: And my faith is focused on eternity. But thank you for helping me strengthen it. Yvonne Redrumovitch, people! Coming soon to a barracks near you!
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: He's one of those scientists who thinks religion obstructs technology. Would you please welcome Professor Gunther Gundlack!
(Applause. Enter the bespectacled Gundlack.)
Me: I'm all yours, Professor.
Gundlack: Yes. How is your music coming along? Have you written any new algorithms -I mean- songs?
Me: I had a fresh inspiration the other night, but I haven't put words to it yet.
Gundlack: I see. (He jots down something in a note pad.) And how about the drawings? Anything new there?
Me: No. I've been catching up with my writing instead.
Gundlack: Catching up with the writing. (He takes another note.) And do you feel ready to perform yet?
Me: I might need to practice a bit first.
Gundlack: Yes, that always helps. (He makes another entry.)
Me: Professor, what are you writing?
Gundlack: (looking up) I believe our agreement was that I should ask the questions for this interview. (He produces a rubber mallet.) Could you lay your right hand flat on the desk for me?
Me: Why?
Gundlack: Please.
Me: (complying) I don't see what this has to do with God.
Gundlack: Does this hurt? (He whacks my fingers with the mallet, causing me to groan.)
Me: Of course! Professor, what are you doing?
Gundlack: Yes, that's good. You've retained your sensitivity. (He scratches out another note.)
Me: Why wouldn't I? Professor- (Gundlack pulls out a remote control device and flicks a switch that sends me into a trance.)
Gundlack: Now listen up, G-5. Mission code-named Operation Burnout is on schedule. Guitar-based Headphones Algorithms have been transmitted to all units. Prepare to receive programming for upcoming world tour by satellite beam commencing in three - two - one! (A piercing whine is accompanied by flashing lights for a few seconds.) G-5, are you ready to rock? Repeat. Are you ready to rock?
Me: (monotone) Affirmative.
Gundlack: Excellent. Then I'll take you off standby. (He flicks his remote and I assume a normal posture.)
Me: Oh hello there. Aren't you the scientist that thinks religion is obstructing technology?
Gundlack: Not any more.
Me: Oh. Well then I guess that concludes our discussion for the evening. But stay tuned for an algorithm -I mean- a song after these messages.
(Applause. Commercial.)
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