Me: The theme of tonight's show is survival. We have three guests for you. Each of them has an amazing story of survival to share. We're going to start with a construction worker who survived a fall from a fifty storey building. Let's hear it for Roland Wright, ladies and gentlemen.
(Audience cheers. The guest is wheeled in, sporting a full body cast, and parked adjacent to my desk. I rise to greet him with applause but don't try to shake his hand.)
Me: So, Roland, everyone has heard about your incredible recovery from a fifty storey fall -
Roland: Sixty-three storeys, David.
Me: But that building only has fifty storeys.
Roland: Yeah, but I bounced back up in the air to a height of thirteen storeys before I landed a second time.
Me: Oh. So you must be made of some pretty sturdy stuff. Do you mind if I ask what they put in your diet?
Roland: Actually, I give my physician all the credit. He took me off iron pills and got me on Indian rubber pills about a month before it happened because I was having trouble touching my toes.
Me: What caused you to fall?
Roland: I deserved it, I guess. I was peering over the edge of the roof with my binoculars, trying to look down the tops of women's low-cut blouses.
Me: Naughty boy! And has the accident caused any changes in your lifestyle?
Roland: Not in the workplace because I was the foreman, but it has made it much harder for me to play video games.
Me: Well, we're all praying for a speedy recovery for you. Let's hear it again for Roland Wright, folks.
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: Now it's time to bring out our next guest. He's a Protestant minister who survived eight years in an Arab prison. Give it up for Reverend Christopher Kringle, everyone!
(Applause. I get up and greet the reverend, who is dressed in traditional Muslim attire. We take our places in front of the camera.)
Me: That's some wild get-up you have on there!
Kringle: Thank you.
Me: So everyone knows your story and they want to know if your struggle has increased your faith in God.
Kringle: Who's God?
Me: Uh - you know, the Almighty One, the Creator of the Universe, the Merciful...
Kringle: Oh, you mean Allah! Yes, my eyes have been truly opened.
Me: That's not what you used to call him, Chris.
Kringle: Muhammed.
Me: What?
Kringle: My name is Muhammed. (He shifts his chair to point away from my desk.)
Me: What are you doing?
Kringle: I'm trying to face Mecca as you ask me these questions.
Me: Well, that's all the time we have for this guest. But hang in there and we'll have one more right after this message.
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: And now for our last guest. She's a songwriter who - uh - shared her songs on the internet? Let's have a big hand for Doris Yablonski, everyone!
(Enter Yablonski. I stay seated and let her take her position in the guest chair.)
Me: Doris, why are you on this program about survival with a man who survived a sixty-three storey fall and another who survived eight years in an Arab prison when all you did was share your songs on the internet?
Doris: The songs were good.
Me: Oh! Well, say no more!
Well, I've had just a great time on the show tonight, as I hope you all have had. And in a moment my three guests will be sitting offstage, watching me perform one of my more popular numbers to top everything off. It's the perfect song for a show with this theme. You guessed it! Son, the World's a Shithole! No, just kidding. Survival. Coming up, right after this break.
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