Me: Since long before Sir Thomas More wrote the book, people have been dreaming of Utopia. With modern technology lengthening lifespans and relieving physical burdens, some think that we are progressing towards such a world. Others argue that science is leading us astray. Still others, like my first guest, believe that a restructuring of the economy will be necessary to bring about the perfect state. Would you please welcome Victor Toadstool!
(Applause. Enter Toadstool in a straw hat and denim coveralls.)
Me: So you have founded a colony that has done away with money.
Toadstool: I have. We are over a hundred settlers strong and growing.
Me: What's it called?
Toadstool: Toadstoolia.
Me: Right. And what do you and your fellow Toadstoolians have against money?
Toadstool: I guess we're all fed up with compromising our spirits for ultimately worthless pieces of paper with numbers on them. And we want to protect our children from being turned into slaves.
Me: But without money, what incentive is there for you to work?
Toadstool: Our incentives are pure and simple. We work the land.
Me: Beautiful. I have always had a problem with how the money system lets one group be better off than the others. By focusing on working the land for food, you and your people have done away with the evils of ambition and created a state in which true equality can be enjoyed by all.
Toadstool: And flowers.
Me: What?
Toadstool: We work the land for food and flowers.
Me: It must be a very peaceful and colourful place.
Toadstool: It was until the hill people came.
Me: The hill people?
Toadstool: They were envious of our gladiolas. Showed up one night and burned down all our gardens.
Me: That's terrible!
Toadstool: Nothing we Toadstoolians can't handle. My brother works in a chemical plant. Right now he's loading my pickup with the most powerful herbicides known to man.
Me: Well it sounds you still have a few bugs to work out, but you're well on your way. Victor Toadstool!
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: Of course, there are myriad ways to approach the problem of how to build Utopia, and many of them reject the technological approach favoured by the modern mainstream. But our next guest has instead taken this approach one step further. He has established a community based on the writings of Isaac Asimov, a scientifically advanced biosphere that calls itself the Foundation. Professor Bartholomew Pitt!
(Applause. Enter Pitt in a white lab coat.)
Me: Professor Pitt, Isaac Asimov's Foundation, as I recall, was intended to provide a safe haven for technology through the Galactic War. Do you view yourself as a guardian of science?
Pitt: No. I just hate football and modern dance.
Me: Your biosphere reminds me of a football stadium.
Pitt: One in which civilization may flourish.
Me: You offer a very high standard of living in there, from what I hear.
Pitt: Machines have taken over all of the heavy labour. Our citizens are free to develop their minds. The air is filtered and its oxygen content carefully balanced. Breeding is strictly recreational and hassle free.
Me: Recreational?
Pitt: We genetically engineer our young and hatch them in nurseries, in keeping with Huxley's Brave New World.
Me: So it's not all based on Asimov.
Pitt: No.
Me: And I understand that you've added decades to the human lifespan with your medical discoveries.
Pitt: Indeed, I have.
Me: How do you address the problem of overpopulation?
Pitt: For that I took my inspiration from Logan's Run.
Me: Logan's Run? Isn't that about a machine-driven society that kills every citizen past the age of thirty? Then what's the point of adding length to the human lifespan?
Pitt: It offers a legal loophole to exempt researchers from termination.
Me: You're over thirty.
Pitt: Fifty-five next month.
Me: (after a pause) Good thinking.
Pitt: Of course.
Me: Professor Bartholomew Pitt! Hey, why play football when you can play God?
*********************************************
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Husband: No, they said they'd call.
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(He turns to the camera to reveal his shockingly unusual face.)
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*********************************************
Me: Closing off tonight's discussion is a man who believes that we should do away with technology and modern medicine and get back to basics. Jonathan Boils!
(Applause. Enter Boils. I greet him with a handshake and he embraces me with a hug.)
Me: I wasn't expecting that.
Boils: What?
Me: The hug.
Boils: Well I'm kind of isolated out on that island. I guess I'm just grateful for any human contact.
Me: What about the other settlers?
Boils: Gone.
Me: Gone? You mean they all gave up and moved out?
Boils: No, I mean they're all dead. But they died beautifully.
Me: How did they die?
Boils: Suicide.
Me: Tragic.
Boils: Yes, it is. They just couldn't stand their leprosy any longer.
Me: Leprosy! Isn't that infectious?
Boils: It does seem to get around.
Me: Well for God's sake, why did you have to hug me like that? I'm sorry folks, we're going to have to cut the show here. I'm going straight to the hospital for a booster shot. You'll have to make do with a video of tonight's song. (Applause.)
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