Me: Before I start, I should mention that we've been running short on cash to keep the show going and the producers have decided to give more air-time to our sponsors. If this is what it takes to keep bringing you our quality program, I'm all for it. And I'm sure you won't notice the difference. This evening we'll be hearing from some prominent musicologists. Musicology is the study of music as, among other things, a force in society, and I'm sure our guests will have some very interesting things to say. Let's greet the first of them right now, Professor Felix Raymond!
(Applause. Enter Raymond.)
Me: What kind of music do you like?
Raymond: I find that jazz is the only music that offers enough sophistication for a man of my intellect.
Me: Do you listen to music with your heart or your head?
Raymond: That's a good question, which raises a number of points. In the 1930's when-
Me: I'm sorry, Professor. I'm going to have to cut you off there. We're going to commercial.
Raymond: But I haven't finished answering the-
Me: Professor Felix Raymond! (Applause.)
*********************************************
Commercial: Slobber Guard
(Louise plays fetch with her dog in a park.)
Louise: Oh, look what you've done, Alphie! You've gone and got my blouse all wet.
(Enter Derrick.)
Derrick: Hi, Louise!
Louise: Hi, Derrick!
Derrick: Wanna see a movie with me?
Louise: I'd love to!
Derrick: Great! (Seeing dog slobber on her blouse, he grimaces in disgust.) Uh, I just remembered that I'm sick. Maybe some other time.
Louise: But-
Derrick: Bye!
Announcer: Dog owners, protect your social life from the horrors of dog drool with Slobber Guard, the ultimate dog accessory.
(Louise at home, putting the product on Alphie.)
Announcer: Slobber Guard fits comfortably around your dog's head and comes with patented air holes to help him breathe.
(Louise and the dog are back in the park, playing fetch.)
Louise: What's the matter, Alphie? Can't you pick up the ball?
(Enter Derrick.)
Derrick: Hey, who's fetching that ball? You or the dog?
Louise: (after a fawning laugh) Hi, Derrick!
Derrick: Wanna come to the dance with me?
Louise: Sure!
Derrick: Great! (after checking her blouse) See ya' Friday night.
(Exit Derrick.)
Louise: We did it, Alphie! Alphie? (The dog is rubbing the side of his head on the grass.) Oh, here, let me take that off for you.
(She unhooks the product and is knocked down by a flood of dog spit.)
Announcer: Slobber Guard. Keeping you dry as a bone.
Commercial: The Siren Siren
(A couple in bed are roused from their slumber by a passing police siren.)
Woman: Not again!
Man: What time is it?
Announcer: Why should some crime happening in some other neighbourhood disturb your peace? That's why we developed the Siren Siren.
(The couple install the product.)
Announcer: The Siren Siren detects approaching sirens and drowns them out with the sounds of your choosing.
(The couple in bed are roused from their sleep by their Siren Siren blasting out Dancing Queen by ABBA.)
Man: That's the second time tonight!
Woman: (grooving to the melody) I know, but don't you love this tune?
Neighbour: (banging on the ceiling) Hey! We're trying to sleep up here!
Announcer: The Siren Siren. One step ahead of the law.
*********************************************
Me: Our next guest may have been single-handedly responsible for the backlash against punk rock immediately following its arrival in the late 1970's, Professor Zvonee Rastanick!
(Applause. Enter Rastanick.)
Me: Professor, I have a soft spot in my heart for the Sex Pistols because they, like myself, had their music in the charts without getting paid or officially acknowledged for it. Why did you go out of your way to suppress their music?
Rastanick: Because Sid Vicious called me a filthy fucker.
Me: Well that's not very objective. What about their music?
Rastanick: I think it was indicative of a low point in Western-
Me: Thank you, professor.
Rastanick: I beg your pardon?
Me: That's all the time we have for you. Professor Zvonee Rastanick, everyone! (Applause.)
*********************************************
Commercial: Jump-Start Super Non-Drowsy Formula Cough Syrup
(A group of students play volleyball in a gymnasium. Jesse is about to serve.)
Team Mate #1: Think she can do it?
Team Mate #2: She's got the hardest serve on the team.
(Jesse serves the ball weakly. It floats up and falls shy of the net. The opposing team laughs. The coach comes out to talk to Jesse.)
Coach: What's wrong with you today, Jesse?
Jesse: It must be this non-drowsy cough syrup I've been taking for my cold. It's just not non-drowsy enough.
Coach: Sounds like you need a Jump-Start. (The coach runs back to his bag and pulls out a medicine bottle and a spoon.)
Announcer: An effective cough syrup should do more than merely neutralize the symptoms of a cold. It should counter them.
(The coach returns to Jesse's side and spoon-feeds his star player with the syrup. Jesse's eyes open wide and bloodshot as her body quivers with false energy.)
Coach: Are you ready to play?
Jesse: Ready to play, coach!
(Exit coach. The game resumes. Jesse serves forcefully, sending the ball rocketing across the court. An opposing player jumps up to block it and is caught in the chest. He shoots backward until he is pinned to the wall fifty feet or so behind him.)
Announcer: Stay on top of your game with Jump-Start super non-drowsy cough syrup.
Ted: It's packed with nutritious goodness and comes in a can that warms it up for you. Just pull off the lid and (demonstrating) presto!
Doug: I'll have to try that.
(Doug and his wife put away their groceries after returning from a supermarket. His wife pulls out the soup can from one of the bags.)
Wife: What's this?
Doug: That's for my lunch.
(The can slips out of her hand and falls to the floor. She stoops off camera to pick it up.)
Doug: Don't touch that!
(He is too late as she shrieks in pain. She rises to show that her hand is blistered and smoking.)
Wife: Call an ambulance!
Announcer: Atomize your hunger with Atomic Self-Heating Soup.
*********************************************
Me: Our last guest is a woman who thinks that technology has done more harm than good to music, Professor Elaine Falstaff!
(Applause. Enter Falstaff.)
Me: Professor Falstaff, what do you have against technology?
Falstaff: I think it comes between the artist and the listener.
Me: But aren't musical instruments, themselves, a kind of technology?
Falstaff: Yes, it is the enabling technology. But now it's getting to the point where machines are playing the instruments for us.
Me: I see your point. Why do you think this is happening?
Falstaff: For commercial reasons. Music became a commercial product with the advent of recording, bringing on an assembly-line approach to production and-
Me: I'm sorry. I have to cut you off there. It's time for another commercial break.
Falstaff: Just as your show has compromised its content to make more money, the music industry-
Me: That will be quite enough, Professor!
Falstaff: The integrity of the artwork is lost in the blind pursuit of profits and-
Me: Professor Elaine Falstaff! Right back with a song, folks! (Applause.)
Falstaff: How dare you invite me here and rush me off the stage after three questions!
Me: Be grateful anyone's listening to you.
Falstaff: Why, I've never been treated so shabbily in my life! I have a good mind to -
No comments:
Post a Comment